Forever In Our Thoughts
by SelenaMDV
Summary: Mary has an addiction that affects the entire family. Sam deals with it the way he knows best. Warning: READ AT OWN RISK.


**Lawrence, Kansas. July 5th 1999.**

The flowers at the breakfast table made Sam sick. What the hell was Mary thinking when she picked them!

Dean kind of liked them.

"Mom? Why did you pick such gross flowers? They stink"

"Well, darling I think they're beautiful, 'fantastico'…" She laughed.

Sam rolled his eyes and kept on eating the waffles she had made them.

"Why cant you have a little more respect for mom?" Dean demanded.

"She is a fucking crack head.." Sam said.

Mary froze.

Dean got up from his chair and walked over to the other side of the table where Sam sat and slapped Sam across his face.

"Don't you ever say something like that again, she does the best she can to keep us happy" he said while pointing his finger at Sam's face.

"Well she's doing a crappy job keeping me happy" Sam said.

John walked in.

"What is all this noise?" John asked.

"Sammy isn't happy with the flowers i picked! I'll toss the flowers away, for you Sammy." Mary said.

"Ok.. Whatever" Sam mumbled.

"Now, Sam be nice to your mother, she's really trying to quit the uhh, stuff.." John said.

"I saw her snorting that shit this morning in the bathroom, maybe a good idea to close the door? Eh, mom?" Sam said.

"Well, mmm, sorry, darling, I didn't mean for you to see that..." She said whilst biting her lip. She felt tears welling up in her eyes.

"I will quit it, i promise please don't be mad at me.. I'm trying!"

She tried giving Sam a hug but he pushed her away.

"Stop pretending to be something you're not...A mother" Sam said in a cold voice.

"Thats it Sam, get the fuck out of here, Im trying to eat this damn breakfast in peace! Can't you ever show some damn gratitude?" Dean shouted.

"Fine Im leaving" Sam said and pushed the table into Dean so his juice glass tipped over and spilt all over his shirt.

John quickly walked over and put his hands on Dean's shoulders.

''Don't.'' John said calmly.

"Where you going darling? Work? Out? Shopping? If you are can i join? I need some new shoes, these are all worn out" She laughed nervously.

"No, Im going to visit Marielle" Sam said.

"Ohh, is that your girlfriend?" Mary asked.

"No. And you'd FUCKING KNOW THAT IF YOU PAID SOME DAMN ATTENTION AROUND HERE!'' Sam screamed in her face and stormed out.

"Mom, he's gay" Dean said.

John`s eyes shut open.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL?"

Dean shook his head and took another bite.

Sam left the house and got in his BMW and drove over to Brent's house. Brent was Sam's boyfriend.

One of his favorite songs was on the radio, Ladies Night by Lil' Kim, Sam loved that song, it made him happy!

Sam knocked on the door, Brent knew who it was, and opened the door with a big smile on his face. He dragged Sam right in and started french kissing him right in front of his big sister, she just rolled her eyes and kept on walking down their beautiful golden stairs. Brent had a very rich family, his dad was a doctor and his mother was a very successful designer here in Lawrence.

Dean still sat at the breakfast table chatting with his dad about sport, while his mother sat worrying about Sam.

"Do you think he's alright? I mean, what if he crashed his car or something? Oh my, oh my, what if he does something stupid? No he wouldn't.. would he?" Mary asked.

"Take it easy mom, he's fine, he's probably in bed with Brent by now.." Dean said and rolled his eyes.

John cringed.

"Ohw, okay than" She said and put on a fake smile.

"I need a smoke" She said before and looked around in her yellow purse with purple flower print all over it.

"Honey, you said you quit." John said and reached for her purse.

"CAN'T I HAVE ANYTHING?" Mary screamed. ''Holy SHIT John, PLEASE!''

"Calm down mom, no one's after you" Dean said.

"I'm so sorry Dean i didn't mean for you to hear that" Mary said and kissed him on the cheek.

"Mom? I'm sitting right here, how could I not hear that?" He said and gave her a crooked look.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I know, I'm completely useless." she said and fell down in her chair.

"Here we go.." Dean mumbled. ''You're not! You're wonderful, and I love you!'' Dean said.

Mary took Dean's hand and smiled.

"Dean can you leave me with your mother for a second?" John asked.

"Yes, sure dad"

Dean left the room, he went in to the neighbor room.

"Honey, we have talked about this before, you can't say stuff like that in front of Sam and Dean, they get worried if you say things like that. you know how young minds work!" John said.

"Yes I'm sorry, it would probably be easier for you guys I weren't here."

"What do you mean by that?" John demanded.

"I want die, I really want to. Sam hates me, so it wouldn't bother him and Dean would be better off without me, so would you...Everybody would... I'm so depressed John. Why can't you just kill me, please?" she said, tears streaming down her face, clenching Johns hands in her own.

"What are you saying! You crazy woman! Don't you dare... We all need you. Sam doesn't hate you, he hates the crack! He loves you very much, I know that! Dean still needs you, he's only 20 for gods sake, and I need you!"

"No one needs me, thats bullshit and you know it!" she said.

Dean didn't know the walls were paper thin. He heard the whole conversation and he didn't like the idea of his mother killing herself.

Dean rushed into the kitchen.

"Mom? Mommy! Please don't die, please. I love you so much.." he said and shed a tear.

"Dean, darling, I wont, i promise you that, don't cry on my behalf, I'm not worth your tears.." she said and looked out in to thin air..

Sam walked in the door. He heard the spectacle in the kitchen and walked in.

"What is happening here? Out of crack?" Sam said and gave a disgusted look.

"SAM, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SPEAK THAT WAY TO YOUR MOTHER'' John yelled before he took a good grip at Sam's shirt.

"Ok, dad, I`m sorry" Sam said with both his hands up in the air.

"Why are you hanging on mom like that? Somethings wrong?" Sam asked.

"Sam, darling, nothing is wrong, Dean is just a little emotional right now..." Mary said.

"Dad? What the hell's going on?" Sam asked.

"Your mother just has a bad day."

"Ohh, that explains it. When she has a bad day it automatically turns the rest of the house in to a haven of shit." Sam said.

John hit his hand down on the table so that Mary's wine glass fell over and spilled all over the table.

"THATS ENOUGH YOUNG MAN, STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE. AND CLEAN THAT UP!"

Dean turned around to face Sam.

"When are you gonna stop being such a brat?" Dean asked.

"Oh I don't know. When my real mom is back, not this cracked up hausfrau.'' Sam said and looked her straight in the eyes. ''Mom, you know I fucking love you. You know that. I just have no respect for users, not even you. You have dragged this household down to the level of dog shit, and I'm sick and tired of it! We all deserve better! YOU deserve better mom! and don't get it wrong, please, you know I love you, you're my mom for god sake, I have to love you, and I do!'' he said before he got up.

Sam went up to his room, Dean followed him. Sam sat down on his bed. Dean sat down next to him.

"That's the nicest thing you've said to her in a long time, thank you bro" Dean said and ruffled Sam's hair.

"I had to say it, or else you would have killed me.."

"You didn't mean what you said?" Dean asked.

"Of course I meant it. I just have a hard time believing her when she says she's gonna quit drugs.. She's absolutely pathetic!'' Sam said.

Mary was standing outside his room with a tray of cookies and milk. She heard what her Sam had said, It had never hurt as much as now. She dropped the tray and ran into her bedroom and found a scarf. She couldn't take this any longer. It was time. It was time to end it all. This was the straw that broke the camel's back! She had been a user for years and years, it had really messed with her head.

Sam and Dean heard the tray falling and jumped up. They went out in to the hall and saw all the crushed cookies covered in milk. They figured she had heard their little conversation..

They ran downstairs, she wasn't there, they ran into the bathroom, she wasn't there either..

They then ran upstairs, in to her and John's bedroom.

There she was, hanging from the ceiling with the pink and blue scarf wrapped around her neck.

"No, no ,no, it can't be, NOOOOOO, OH GOD NO!" Sam cried out.

Dean took Sam and held him tight to his body.

"DAAAAAAAAD, COME NOOOOOOOOOW" Dean screamed.

John ran as fast as he could up the stairs and in to the bedroom, but stopped quickly when he saw Mary. He ran into the bathroom and got a pair of scissors to cut the scarf. It was too late.

"Daddy? Is it my fault? Did I make her do it?" Sam asked in hysteria.

"No." John said.

"It was.. Oh god it's all my fault. Shit shit shit" Sam cried.

"NO THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, SAM, SHE WAS SICK! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Dean took Sam outside. They sat down in the garden.

''This is so fucked up.'' Dean said.

''It's all my fault..'' Sam mumbled.

''It's not. And you know it.'' Dean said, looking at the ground.

The day went down in Winchester history. July 5th, 1999.

Two years went by before Sam gathered the courage to do the unthinkable. He could no longer handle the thoughts that it was all his fault. He lived with this intense guilt! He followed in his mothers footsteps and hang himself in that very same room.

'I couldn't take it anymore. I love you both, so much. I'm so sorry..'


End file.
